I'm not sure exactly when the sweet rosiness left my Ella Bella's cheeks, but it happened sometime in the last month and I just chalked it up to what I thought was a little stomach flu.
I took her to the doctor on Monday of this week, after calling the doctor several times over several weeks to ask if I should be concerned about her on-and-off-again stomach problems. I was completely taken aback to learn that Ella's blood levels are severely low. She's anemic and they're not sure of the cause and they're very concerned about her health.
We're waiting with baited breath for her next set of tests on Monday, which will tell us if her little body is healing itself....or if she'll need to be admitted to the hospital to help determine the source of her anemia and get medical attention for it.
I have experienced so many emotions over the past 4 days, I can't believe Scary News Monday was just a few days ago. I have sobbed uncontrollably. I have prayed on my knees in my bedroom. Left work to go to church to pray in solitude until I fell asleep in a mix of exhaustion and the peace that only comes after a long, hard, heartfelt, pleading prayer. My heart has ached with tenderness when Ella has taken my face in her hands, looked me in the eyes, and kissed me. My mind has at moments gone mad, traveling down scary rabbit holes of 'what if's' that I have to force myself to push far from my mind. Fearing that simply thinking the worst case scenarios may force them into existence.
But more than anything, at this moment, I am still feeling an overwhelming gratitude.
I am grateful for our sweet Ella and our darling Kate and all the blessings of what I believe is the most charmed life we could ask for. I am grateful to have a wonderful husband to charter this scary territory alongside me. To have friends that I know are praying for Ella.
I'm grateful that I happened to take Ella to the doctor on Monday, even though her symptoms seemed to have subsided. I am grateful the doctor performed tests on her that I didn't know to ask for, and that she personally responds to every call I have since placed to her office.
I'm grateful that I happen to work at a company that has ties to Children's Hospitals, and that with one e-mail from a co-worker, one of the state's best children's hematologists personally called me at work within 15 minutes to talk about Ella's condition. I'm more grateful that she confirmed that the course we're currently on is the right one, and that she invited me to call her directly if I had any questions or needs....promised to personally review Ella's test results on Monday....and promised to personally be involved in her treatment if treatment is needed.
On an even more fundamental level, I'm grateful to happen to live in the United States, where I can even get this kind of medical attention for my daughter; and to have health insurance that will pay for most of the expense.
Today, Ella seemed close to her normal self. Playing with her sister and friends. Eating grilled cheese sandwiches and demanding more chocolate pudding and refusing to go to sleep until 10 p.m. Her hands were warm for the first time in a while and her voice contained that familiar, dramatic spark that we've come to take for granted in my little girl.
The rosiness in her sweet cheeks hasn't yet returned. But I'm so very grateful....so very, very grateful....for all the little moments we take for granted every day. Giving Ella and Kate a bath, being exhausted at 10 pm and pleading with her to go to bed soon. Cleaning dried ice cream from her face and asking her to stop taking toys from her sister.
I give thanks to God for all of these amazing, blessed moments that He gives me with my girls every day. I thank Him for directly answering so many of my prayers in the past few days. And I humbly pray that He'll chase every spec of illness from Ella's little body and continue to give me the strength and wisdom to know how to be a good mom in this unexpected and scary situation.
Most of all, I pray that he'll grant me the greatest gift I could ever ask for....a lifetime of small, grateful moments with my little girls.
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