Giving thanks for my biggest little blessings

(I just found this unpublished Thansksgiving post....better late than never!)

It's funny...how Thanksgiving takes on a whole new meaning once you have kids. We spent Thanksgiving Day in Columbus, away from my family in Youngstown. And while it was a nice and relaxing day, I missed all of the action. The running from my mom's house to my dad's side of the family. Watching my mom bustle around the kitchen, preparing way more food than we'd ever need...taking on aggressive and challenging recipes, constantly lamenting that the turkey wouldn't be done in time.

But being away from my extended family oddly made me think more this year about what I'm thankful for. And of course, I immediately thought about our two little girls. How blessed and fortunate we are that they are such healthy, sweet, happy little girls. And then I started thinking about last year. And how much they've grown and changed in just a year.



Case in point.

Chris and I tell the girls we love them all the time.

And I do mean, all the time.

We tell them when they wake up in the morning. Every time they do something sweet, funny or adorable...which ends up being several times a day. Every time we leave the house, and of course every night at bedtime.

So it shouldn't have surprised me when, a week or so ago, Ella started telling me "I love you, Mommy," all by herself, throughout the day, even when I hadn't just said it myself.

And she says it so sweetly and so sincerely....often walking over to me, holding my face in between her little hands, puckering up and kissing me, very carefully, in a very specific and intentional location...usually my forehead, cheek or lips.

Sometimes she even adds a 'really...' "I really lub you, Mommy. You know dat?"

She reminds me every day that she's a little person, not a baby....and she's developing such an amazing personality. One with so much depth and sweetness. And she's only 2 and a half.

She's developing so quickly. The other day, I found her turning the pages of a book, reciting what was happening on each page -- based not just on the images, but also on her memory of the handful of times I'd read her the story before.

I know these experiences may be common among pre-schoolers. But they're all new and beautiful and wonderful to me. And I savor every one.


And Kate. Oh, Kate. She's so stinking cute. Our doctor warned me that her speech might not develop as quickly as Ella's. And that's understandable. I still can't believe how developed Ella's vocabulary is...her knowledge of idioms and large or unusual words, in exactly the right context.
Oddly, I'm almost happy Kate's language skills are developing a little more slowly. It allows me to feel like I'm keeping her 'small' for a longer period of time.

"Ap-paw" (apple); "Bankie and binkie" (blankie and binkie). "Boppy" (for her second favorite stuffed animal, puppy)...many animal sounds....Daddy, Mommy, Nana, "Ma," "Gam" and if she tries very hard, "Gam-ma," for Grandma. She's starting to repeat more words intelligibly, but mostly, she wanders around speaking her own Kate gibberish that we absolutely adore.


We affectionately call her 'destructo,' because her favorite pasttime is dis-assembling and otherwise destroying things. 10 times a day, she empties my tupperware cupboard onto the floor. In the playroom, she takes every single item she can find (wooden playfood, bracelets, play people)...and immediately takes it to the exact opposite location in the playroom. She throws all of her food on the floor; but won't let us feed her.

Yes, I do get frustrated from time to time. Like when I spend an hour scrubbing the floor only to see Kate smash peas all over it, ten minutes later. But mostly, I'm very aware that these moments are fleeting and that I'll all to soon be lamenting that my chattering Kate is speaking in full sentences, telling me she loves me out of the blue, reading stories aloud and walking herself to time out.

So this past Thanksgiving -- like all those to come -- I'm most grateful for the gift of being part of these beautiful, fleeting moments in the lives of these blessed, darling little girls.

Live and learn

A few nights ago, I was out to dinner with my very best friends from college.

These ladies are all gorgeous. It's kind of like a fashion show every time I see them, they always look so cute. They make me laugh. They let me make them laugh. I can completely be myself around them. But best of all, they're all really good people. And really, really great moms.

Some of them are stay-at-home moms (or as one of my teacher friends corrected me...they work inside the home)...while some work full time, outside the home. Two of us work part-time, outside the home.

Inside, outside, full time, part time. The one thing we all have in common is we all really, really LOVE our kids. And we really love being moms. Regardless of our work situations, motherhood is a major way we all define ourselves. And motherhood seems to bring each of us a whole lot of joy.

We all had pretty fantastic college experiences. And while we wouldn't take those years back, most of us wouldn't go back. Because we love this part of lives so very much. And most of us wouldn't change a thing about our current lives as a result. At least not anything important.

Which got me thinking....when exactly did I decide I wanted to be a mom?

I always knew I wanted to be married with kids. But when I was younger, in high school and even in college, I was more focused on finding 'the love of my life...' this passionate romantic love that I was certain I desperately needed in order to be happy.

Trouble was, my definition (back then) of 'passionate romantic love' wasn't really all that healthy. I was focused exclusively on butterflies in the stomach and how many compliments my betrothed would bestow upon me. I was obsessed with the whole concept of 'forever...' and remember driving myself crazy trying to understand how anyone could possibly be absolutely certain that they could love just ONE boy (man) for the REST OF THEIR LIVES. The concept, while attractive, seemed completely unrealistic and unattainable to me. Kids were an important part of the future I was envisioning back then. But the 'kids' part of the future was blurred because my sole focus was on finding this idealized version of romantic love.

In high school and college, and even in my early 20s, I was also very focused on the idea of 'career.' Of 'having it all,' whatever that means. I even remember having a passionate debate with the (fantastic, wonderful, amazing) mom of my high school boyfriend about the whole idea of working moms. For whatever reason, I was convinced that moms 'should' work outside the home, I thought women would be selling themselves short if they stayed at home to care for their kids. I have a pit in my stomach, even now, remembering the look on her face. My teenage debate had brought tears to this incredibly strong, generous, very smart woman's eyes. As soon as I saw them, I stopped talking. I immediately knew I had said something that hurt this 'stay at home mom' very deeply. But I really didn't understand why she was so upset.

Now, at age 35, a mom of two amazing little girls who happens to work outside the home part time, I get it.

Kids. Well, back then, I knew I wanted them, but they were more a part of some pretty picture of the perfect future life I was trying to paint for myself.

As I got closer to 30, I got increasingly bored with going out to bars or parties or other social functions on Friday and Saturday nights. Bored being a workaholic. Bored trying to climb some professional ladder of success...especially when I realized that I wasn't too inspired for where that ladder would take me.

My desire to have children grew greater and greater, the older I got...until a certain point, where a reality hit me. Being a mom wasn't a guarantee. It wasn't a God-given right. It was a rare privilege. One that might pass me by.

I found Chris, and finally found 'true love....' a kind that was far more fulfilling and real and reaffirming than whatever I was seeking years before. The idea of being a mom grew even more important as I got engaged, got married. And now, I'm almost afraid at how much I love being a mom. How much joy it brings me. How much this love defines me...who I am...and who I want to be.

It's hard to even remember a time when this love didn't define me. Even though I've only had my girls for two and a half short years. My life is divided between 'before' Kate and Ella. And 'after' Kate and Ella. And man, I sooo prefer the after.

I guess the point is that, working inside the home or outside the home, full time or part time, all (good) moms probably question themselves. Like my high school boyfriend's fabulous mom, I think some of my friends who work 'inside the home' wonder what they'll do as their kids get older. They probably miss getting dressed for work some mornings, or making 'their own' money or even just having conversations with grown ups in the course of the day.

My friends who work outside the home? Well, full time or part time, we're constantly plagued with questions and self doubt too. Are we missing too many of the most precious moments of our lives? What does it mean...that other people...nannies, day care providers, family members, sometimes spend more time with our children than we do, in the course of any given weekday? Will we regret this when they're older? Will we wish that we would have made due with less 'belongings,' fewer vacations, a smaller home...so we could spend more of these precious years at home with our children?

I guess those are the nerves I hit with my over-opinionated, underinformed 'debate' with my high school boyfriend's mom, so many years ago.

And I'm guessing that, regardless of which path each of us takes, we'll always question some of our choices. We'll always wonder if we made the best choices for ourselves and more importantly, for our children.

But -- thinking back to the faces that surround me at the table, every time I get the privilege of hanging out with my BFF's from college, I realize -- there really aren't any absolute answers to any of those questions.

From my perspective, just the fact that we ask those questions...just the fact that we're constantly asking questions that will help us make healthy decisions for our kids and ourselves....well, that's enough.

Every one of the beautiful faces around that birthday table is an incredible, loving, attentive mom. And as long as our love for our children guides most of our decisions, well, I'm pretty sure that inside, outside, part time or full time, we'll all look back at these very precious years of our lives with a great deal of affection and tenderness and gratitude.

We'll live and learn...about these amazing journeys, and amazing little lives, we've been given. And until that time, which I know will come way faster than I want it to, I'll be very grateful, here and now, for having such fantastic friends and fellow moms to learn from.
___________

Now....for those of you who were trying to envision my little 'Stage Stars' from my last post....here are some photos of the girls re-enacting the Poison Apple scene from Snow White, at another Halloween costume party.





And before I sign off, here are Ella and Kate in their "Team Greyson" t-shirts, designed by my fabulous sister-in-law Brittany, as part of her phenomenal fundraising effort for the Tuberous Sclerosis Alliance. Her son (our nephew) Greyson, who's one month younger than Ella, has Tubersclerosis, which gives him seizures, enlarged the little guy's kidneys and caused him several other health issues. Brittany works inside the home, caring for Grey in a quite inspiring way. And she runs a fab party planning business, GreyGreyDesigns (www.greygreydesigns.com), on the side. She's just one of the incredible moms who makes me want to be a better person, and a better mom, every time I think of her.

She raised more than $5,000 for Tubersclerosis -- more than any other family that participated in the "Step Forward to Cure TSC" in Tennessee.

Ella + Kate say: You rock, Aunt Brit!