Life as I know it

So I haven't blogged in what seems like forever. And today, when I got back to reading my favorite blog, KelleHampton.com, I realized why.

Kelle was writing about how she's found her voice again; because she so often holds back on her blog, not wanting to offend anyone.

Now, she's talking mostly about very real issues -- her darling baby girl has Down's Syndrome -- and she sometimes finds it hard to write how her heart feels about that, for fear she'll offend one of her 2 million readers.

And I kind of laughed to myself, because I haven't blogged because I'm always thinking...'what if someone sees this and thinks I'm crazy?' or what if someone gets mad?

And i laughed, reading Kelle's blog, because I have a total of 3 followers so I'm pretty sure I'm really the only one even reading my own blog. Suffice it to say that chances are slim that there's anyone out there reading this to even offend.

So here it goes.

I really do spend the vast majority of my time eating, drinking, breathing and dreaming about my girls. I'm totally in love with them. I'm so obsessed with taking photos of them that I sometimes need to remind myself to put the camera away and just 'be' with them.

Ella is so smart. So bright and insightful. She is very sensitive -- but in a beautiful, fabulous, bold kind of way. She's 2 and a half. And when we speak to her in a stern voice -- usually because she's doing something she shouldn't do -- she breaks into tears...a devastated look of heartbreak on her face. But the sadness is always mixed with irreverence. "You hoit my feedings, Mommy. You not talk to yo da-tur like dat!" she exclaims. I really, really love that in the midst of her feelings hurting, she first and foremost stands up for herself and tells the offender to stop it.

And Kate. Oh, sweet Kate. She still, thankfully, speaks in baby talk. I hate admitting it, but I kind of like it. Her broken baby English. Just a word or two at a time. "One, two, free," as she goes down the slide. "Here go," as she hands me something, mimicking the way I say "here you go" a thousand times a day. "Dank you!" every time you give her ANYTHING or do ANYTHING for her. She even says it when I change her diaper.

My heart swells with love for them. And it's in large part because I feel so blessed to have them in my life that I feel the need to do something to physically demonstrate how grateful I am.

One of the things I do is especially volunteer for an organization called Gracehaven, which is seeking to open Ohio's first shelter for girls who have been victims of domestic minor sex trafficking. Put more clearly, Gracehaven wants to open a shelter for girls who have been sold for sex. Even typing those words, my stomach gets sick.

The upside of volunteering is that I get some sort of relief from guilt. The guilt I almost always feel for living what I feel is such an incredibly blessed life.

I had a mom who always loved and provided for me. Many, many family members who made me the center of their lives. Good schools. Great teachers. Never had a family member or any adult abuse me. Got to go to college. Have great, wonderful friends. An incredible, loving, supportive husband. A nice house and a good job. A healthy family. And most of all, two beautiful, healthy daughters.

I'm very grateful for this amazing life. Life as I know it is pretty amazing.

The thing is, I just don't understand why I get to live this particular life. More importantly, I really, really don't understand why I get to have it this good; while there are so many millions of people and children in the world who don't.

Which brings me to the downside of volunteering for any organization that meaningfully serves any really, really deserving group of people.

My heart aches. A lot.

I read stories of little girls who are forced into sex trafficking. And I immediately think of Ella and Kate. These sweet, innocent, sensitive, gentle, beautiful, delicate, precious souls. And my stomach turns and a lump forms in my throat as I think about all of the equally precious little girls right here in Ohio, and around the world, who don't have mommies and daddies to protect them from something as horrific as sex trafficking.

These thoughts can be all consuming. They can start to suck all of the joy out of these every day moments I love spending with my girls.

And in those moments. Moments like I'm experiencing right this second, I find myself realizing that I have no other choice than to look up to God and tell Him that I don't get it. I don't get why I have this charmed life; while so many millions of His children are abused, or in pain, or sick, or alone.

I realize that all I can do is be grateful, every day, for this life as I know it. And ask God to use me...use me to do His work here on earth. Ask God to help me stop Facebooking in my free time; stop spending so much time and thought and money on things like hair cuts and pedicures and whatver crafty things I can find on Etsy.com. And use whatever gifts He has given me, and whatever extra time I have on this earth, to bring some sort of help or kindness or relief to as many people in need as I can.

I know I'm not Mother Theresa. I never will be that selfless or generous or completely, utterly amazing.

But with God's help, maybe I can use this beautiful life I've been given to make the lives of some other really, really deserving people just a little bit better.

If anyone out there really is reading this...and if any of those souls ever feel the same way I do...visit http://www.gracehavenhouse.org/donate/special_gift/

Read about Gracehaven and the work they're doing in the community. And if you feel so inclined, make a donation. They need to raise $500,000 before they can open the first and only shelter in Ohio for girls under the age of 18 who have been sold for sex. Without this house, these girls -- most of whom have been physically and sexually abused from a very, very young age -- will continue to suffer unspeakable violence with no escape. Because there is no where. No where. No where for them to go. No where for them to get the peace and healing they deserve.

Even if I do only have three followers. Maybe today my contribution, my demonstration of gratitude for this life I've been given, can be that I helped introduce three people to this amazing organization that is working so hard to bring peace and healing to some of the most deserving children in the world.

God bless.